last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
