We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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