i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
