did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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