ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
