im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
