i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
