Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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