dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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