Your face is a jimmy john
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
No more Irish car bombs ever.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
