so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
