She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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