Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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