so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
