her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
