I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
