your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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