I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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