I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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