My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
