So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
