Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
