I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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