I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
