She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
