This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
