I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
