Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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