Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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