I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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