I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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