the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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