Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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