HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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