I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
