You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize