I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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