I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize