Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
