tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
