Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
