You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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