In the future we'll all be gay
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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