Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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