dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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