I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
