Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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