She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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