when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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