i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
