I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
