I'm so fucking centered right now
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
