Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
