so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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