tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
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