so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
