I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
