He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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