So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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