Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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