hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
