i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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