Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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