Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
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