Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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