In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
