Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
