its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
