my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
