i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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