I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
